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Just…don’t? They’ll get the message when you ask to split the check, don’t pay and asked to be paid back but offer to cover your ticket after they order, decline plans to go out because you cant pick up the tab and bring gifts in your budget. Ignore the cash grabs
You are lucky that you haven’t invested too much time in this dude. Cut the lose, move on.
If you end up getting what you want and the emotional cheating turns into physical cheating and it comes to a breaking point of her getting caught and breaking up or she leaves him for you, you may never trust her down the road because you may start to think “what if she does to me what she did to him”.
Tell her she can't have her cake & eat it too and that you two can't be anything until the two of them breakup and cut off contact because obviously the lines between frienship and being a couple have become blurred. If she really wants you, she'll come to you. It is going to be extremely difficult but it's what is right in this circumstance.
His wife's reaction is bad, you do not shout at your partner, you talk to them and discuss the situation.
Do not care how pissed she is, you do not behave like that especially infront of the kids