she doesn't need to know. But the issue isn't that she says she is unsure, it that she does know – and the answer for her is no kids.
I think this is a dealbreaker. If both sides feel strongly about this, it is not something that can be overcome. One partner will always resent the other for the life they have, or didn't get to have.
People can change their mind, people can be unsure. But when you say a position, believe that position. Trying to change something fundamental about someone else is often not successful.
And if you think a relationship is doomed, I do believe it is better to end it early. It isn't worth further investment which will only make the eventual break more painful, or kick the can down the road so far that one or both people can't easily get the life they want.
The breakup doesn't have to mean or nasty, but it is the logical outcome.
Your children are at risk with this person around, that is the bottom line and without your husband to keep an eye on him then the risk to your children is too great at this point.
Your husband let someone who is clearly unable to be safe around his children stay in your home and won't do anything about it and still let him stay. He has no spine and doesn't protect his family.
I would continue to document all the ways they have been unsafe around your children and whatever else he has done so you can ask for the children not to be around them unsupervised.
The risk is that if you split, that husband will leave the children in these peoples care and that is dangerous.
That would be my biggest concern.
You might be able to keep them away until the children are able to protect themselves somewhat based on what you wrote.
Or ask that parents don't come to your house to stay as a requirement of not getting divorced and then it is his choice, his family or his parents.
Good luck with however it goes, if they won't leave then maybe you can with the children?
I recommend you March into couples counseling with him in tow and put all this on the table and work through it. Maybe he also has depression or some other unresolved issues. I would say it’s worth trying to fix this with help or at least get clarity that it’s over and move forward with some guidance and support of a professional
While what she was asking for is out of line, by your actions and responses to other comments, you are prioritising your new family over her, and probably have for longer than your new children have been around.
Do not be surprised when she cuts you from her life. You have created someone who thinks their value comes from the money that is spent on them, and as your new family grows, you will have less money for her. So either she will resent (more than she currently does) you and your new family for it, or she will realise that money isn’t important, but that she hasn’t had the love and support she should have had, and will resent you for that.
And unfortunately at 25, there is nothing you can do to alter the outcome of her realisation.
The statistics show that married men cheat more than women (about 20-25% of the time) and that married women cheat about 10-15% of the time. Then if you consider the number of pregnancies coming from 1/10 of married women it would statistically have to be in the single digits.
If you suspect the child isn’t yours then fair enough. But think about it this way, would you bring people to court before they gave a reason to be tried? Would you advocate for arresting people at random just to see if they’ve done something? Even if they gave no reason for suspicion nor any indication of committing a crime?
If a woman is acting off or being suspicious about the pregnancy. Keeping secrets, being distant, sneaking off at random with no explanation or warning then sure, it’s time for a conversation at least. But to jump out of nowhere with demands for a paternity test, it’s insane. Completely disrespectful, gives the same feeling as suddenly being accused of a crime when you were doing nothing out of the ordinary.
He was sick, didn't feel like he could find anything better, she was completely into the relationship. Now that he's doing better he realizes he can find what he actually wants.
you're not conflicted, you're 33, desperate and settling because your clock is ticking. your kids with this man are going to be truly blessed. I wonder if this diplomatic word vomit will convince your daughter ( god forbid you have one) after her upbringing and the shame she'll be made to feel for exhibiting anything other than what her dad wants.
Yeah uh, if there's a possibility of a child being part of your lives together, you mention it at the beginning of the relationship. Whether it's out or still cooking. I feel like you should RUN in the other direction.
she doesn't need to know. But the issue isn't that she says she is unsure, it that she does know – and the answer for her is no kids.
I think this is a dealbreaker. If both sides feel strongly about this, it is not something that can be overcome. One partner will always resent the other for the life they have, or didn't get to have.
People can change their mind, people can be unsure. But when you say a position, believe that position. Trying to change something fundamental about someone else is often not successful.
And if you think a relationship is doomed, I do believe it is better to end it early. It isn't worth further investment which will only make the eventual break more painful, or kick the can down the road so far that one or both people can't easily get the life they want.
The breakup doesn't have to mean or nasty, but it is the logical outcome.
I read through your previous post.
Your children are at risk with this person around, that is the bottom line and without your husband to keep an eye on him then the risk to your children is too great at this point.
Your husband let someone who is clearly unable to be safe around his children stay in your home and won't do anything about it and still let him stay. He has no spine and doesn't protect his family.
I would continue to document all the ways they have been unsafe around your children and whatever else he has done so you can ask for the children not to be around them unsupervised.
The risk is that if you split, that husband will leave the children in these peoples care and that is dangerous.
That would be my biggest concern.
You might be able to keep them away until the children are able to protect themselves somewhat based on what you wrote.
Or ask that parents don't come to your house to stay as a requirement of not getting divorced and then it is his choice, his family or his parents.
Good luck with however it goes, if they won't leave then maybe you can with the children?
I recommend you March into couples counseling with him in tow and put all this on the table and work through it. Maybe he also has depression or some other unresolved issues. I would say it’s worth trying to fix this with help or at least get clarity that it’s over and move forward with some guidance and support of a professional
While what she was asking for is out of line, by your actions and responses to other comments, you are prioritising your new family over her, and probably have for longer than your new children have been around.
Do not be surprised when she cuts you from her life. You have created someone who thinks their value comes from the money that is spent on them, and as your new family grows, you will have less money for her. So either she will resent (more than she currently does) you and your new family for it, or she will realise that money isn’t important, but that she hasn’t had the love and support she should have had, and will resent you for that.
And unfortunately at 25, there is nothing you can do to alter the outcome of her realisation.
The statistics show that married men cheat more than women (about 20-25% of the time) and that married women cheat about 10-15% of the time. Then if you consider the number of pregnancies coming from 1/10 of married women it would statistically have to be in the single digits.
If you suspect the child isn’t yours then fair enough. But think about it this way, would you bring people to court before they gave a reason to be tried? Would you advocate for arresting people at random just to see if they’ve done something? Even if they gave no reason for suspicion nor any indication of committing a crime?
If a woman is acting off or being suspicious about the pregnancy. Keeping secrets, being distant, sneaking off at random with no explanation or warning then sure, it’s time for a conversation at least. But to jump out of nowhere with demands for a paternity test, it’s insane. Completely disrespectful, gives the same feeling as suddenly being accused of a crime when you were doing nothing out of the ordinary.
That's exactly how i read it.
He was sick, didn't feel like he could find anything better, she was completely into the relationship. Now that he's doing better he realizes he can find what he actually wants.
you're not conflicted, you're 33, desperate and settling because your clock is ticking. your kids with this man are going to be truly blessed. I wonder if this diplomatic word vomit will convince your daughter ( god forbid you have one) after her upbringing and the shame she'll be made to feel for exhibiting anything other than what her dad wants.
Yeah uh, if there's a possibility of a child being part of your lives together, you mention it at the beginning of the relationship. Whether it's out or still cooking. I feel like you should RUN in the other direction.
Treat your depression before approaching him. Meet someone professional. If you let him go, he may go but you'll get more depressed