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I suggest this to everyone. Read “crucial conversations”.
It goes over how we assign people’s intentions by telling a story that fits our version of the facts. The truth is though that you can never know someone else’s intentions.
In your version of events, you tried to be open and vulnerable with your spouse of 8 years about a chronic medical condition (that you are finally acknowledging). And she mocked you and your discomfort. She laughed at you like all of the other bullies.
That is what I’m guessing your story sounds like in your head.
How about we look at it from your wife’s perspective?
During her morning commute (please god let there have been at least one cup of coffee…) her spouse brings up “premature ejaculation” and that he is certain that he has this condition. She has been with this man for 8 years, and he is only just realizing that he has a chronic condition that leads to ….
You get the gist. You saw someone laughing at you because you are so traumatized by this condition that anyone who has any reaction to it other than abject sympathy or horror must be evil.
Your wife on the other hand got to be treated like she was a bitch because you are focusing on your trauma and not on communication.
You are telling yourself a victim’s story because victims don’t have to change.
You aren’t a victim, your wife isn’t one either.
Don’t have these kinds of conversations first thing in the morning.
Her ex boyfriend controlled what she could wear, who she could talk to, and beat her up. You on the other hand, let your girlfriend's friend move in, no questions asked, to your extra bedroom to help and support her and make sure she was safe. You'd think that, combined with your SIX YEAR LONG HISTORY, would be sufficient evidence that you and this guy are nothing alike and I don't blame you for feeling insulted.
I think you did the right thing leaving because your girlfriend isn't being rational. I get being upset on her friend's behalf but for fuck's sake you do not deserve this at all. She is the one that needs therapy, not you.
I know it sounds granular and pedantic, but some people hear “it has to do with” and think that means “it is in part because of this” rather than “this is the reason why”.
But perhaps brutal honesty and steadfastness is your only option from here on out until he decides to change.
Don't kiss him, don't cuddle him, refuse all of his advanced promptly and plainly, don't do anything that enables him. If he asks why you're acting this way, just tell him the honest truth. Remind him you lost the romantic spark because he chose not to uphold his responsibilities as an adult in your relationship.
??? But guys and girls have sleepovers all the time and it isn't awkward or weird…
I've had bad sex with older guys who've been more experienced. Honestly, i find it nude to have mind blowing sex with anyone the first time cause you're still figuring out what the other person likes. Ask her to tell you what she wants and then do it. I'm way more willing to have sex with someone again if theres been pretty open communication about what we like, cause it gets better, faster.
I’m sorry, but this relationship sounds incredibly abusive.
He even had the audacity to say, “What do you have to do now?” That isn’t him offering you a choice, that’s him being controlling and demanding you behave in a specific way. It’s a really big red flag, and people who are abusive do exactly this, they try to isolate you.
I know that you may feel you understand his point, I’ve been in an abusive relationship before where you try to understand, but this isn’t actually understandable. It’s not understandable to control your partner like this.
A lot of abusive people look “good” on the outside to other people. That’s part of what enables them to be so abusive behind closed doors. In the same way, I’m sure he didn’t start behaving like this all at once.
This isn’t a good person, OP.