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You are lost because you are lost. Yet, you don't want someone to come alongside of you to help you find your way. That's what therapy or counseling is about. By saying, “dont suggest therapy or counseling…I know, and I'm trying my best to find a space that works for me…” isn't healing a space that works for you? Isn't being able to come out of your darkness a space that works well for you? Someone has to come alongside of you, not to do the work for you but to point you in the right direction. Things haven't worked in the past, I'm sorry for that, but that doesn't mean someone new speaking with you can't help today. Try something new, something different, something that works for you. If you think you might like it, try it…and don't stop trying things until you find the thing that clicks. You can do this. Don't give up on yourself. Brighter, better days are ahead of you!