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Almost all my friends don't care about the age gap but more so care about my well-being as well as making sure I feel comfortable with the relationship, a lot of them think that he just doesn't seem like a good fit for me
Whether you are terrible at reading her, or she is emotionally unstable to the point of genuinly encouraging sth she would hate is not something we can know. Probably both.
You are correct in thinking this relationship most likely has no future.
Have you managed to get coherent explanation from her?
You are doing the right thing by protecting your daughter, your brother, your wife, and yourself. You are NOT being judgmental—you are doing what your mom failed to do and protect your kid. You set a perfectly reasonable boundary: you do not want your stepfather, who once kidnapped and endangered a child, to know anything about your kid. That your mom disrespected that boundary is extremely problematic and you are right not to trust her. You are doing the right thing and your kid will be better off without her toxic grandma in her life.
I'm really sorry that all of this is happening ? I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will move on from this, you will find another girl who is amazing, loving, and faithful, and has a family that you love and get close to as well. Move on and go find her.