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Leave him because he’s not changing.
If you need distance, it often means there’s resentment, hurt feelings or too much pressure. Can you share more of what went wrong as that might help too the scares one way or another as to if living next door could work or not.
You can't do physical holds in any state in any hospital without an order unless it is an emergency! So you are doing physical holds without an order in a non-emergency??? And you are a direct care aide???
You are not the slightest bit in the wrong. Tell him you’ll go to bed when you choose and he can die mad about it or not, up to him. If he stops being a dick you might consider continuing to chat when you feel like it, but the merest hint of a tantrum about your new boundaries and he can get lost and stay there.
This is why you shouldn't have a child until you're fully ready and absolutely want one.
I child is not a plant or a dog that you can stop taking care of once you've tried it and found out you were allergic, didn't like it or weren't good at it.
It's not something you can “power through”.
You are a parent until you die, even if your child dies before you.
The only thing you have control over once they're born is whether you are a good, bad or absent parent.
Being a stay-at-home mom doesn't have value in a capitalist country but if you calculate what you would have to pay a stranger to do what a S.a.H. mother does you realize the bill gets pretty big, pretty quick.
Even if you start doing most of it yourself, like cleaning, shopping, laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. it still costs you time.
Being a S.a.H. parent is never something I would do personally but I make sure to stop myself from ever looking down on them, because while it may seem like a walk in the park compared to our monotonous clocking in and clocking out day after day endlessly, we go home at the end of a day or a deployment.
Home is work for them, they never leave work for more than a couple hours, and an excuse is always required(hair, nails, brunch, events, etc.) they can't just take a break because they're tired or go in vacation from it.
It IS nude labor, it's emotionally and physically taxing, it constantly presents new academic, spiritual and ethical challenges that require split-second decisions and constant adaption.
Have you ever started getting paid to do something you love? Eventually you start to love it a little less, or maybe you still love it but wish you could take a break or just complain about how nude it is every once and a while.
It's something you are required to do by law and it's a job that's looked down on and earns no gratitude or money, especially from the child themself, and that's ok.
However, when you have a partner, someone who is willing to share the burden with you and help you in times of need for the same in return, there it a trust that starts to build.
When a child is introduced, that trust is now worth life or death.
More than half of girls are born with the proper anatomy to carry a child but no one is born a mother.
Everything that she has shown you, like how to change a diaper, warm formula, baby-proof, which food is best, what's unsafe, pick up and put down a safely, etc. She learned by herself, she took the time and energy to seek out that information and become a better parent actively, every day.
From what I hear and my own feelings I'd say she's not angry you left your baby in the car, you responded in the best way possible, you immediately recognized the mistake, reported and corrected it.
She's probably mad because you don't see what she does as naked work, you thought it didn't require any preparation or effort so you didn't put any in.
Personally I don't see a man making one mistake, I see the one time she was exhausted enough to finally ask a man who made the decision to become a parent with her for help, he failed in a way that put your baby's life in danger.
Yes the baby lived this time and you're both so lucky.
But now the ability to ask for help is damaged because the trust in you as someone who will put effort into being a mindful parent is damaged.
Yes, you are providing money… And what else?
You have an opportunity to share the load with her and you put in minimal, begrudged effort.
You have the opportunity to remind her you appreciate that you don't have to do this alone but it seems(from here), you don't.
You have the opportunity to try to be a good father but all you can think about is that you didn't want this child in the first place.
This is why you shouldn't have a child until you're fully ready and absolutely want one.
It's too late to complain about not being sure or being tired.
The child exists.
It's time to step up or step out.
Having one foot in your roll as a father and one foot in “what-if” is a sure-fire way to be a terrible father and husband, if you want to leave this behind and can't handle fatherhood and equal partnership then I strongly suggest you leave now while she has time to adapt, pay your child support for 16 years and marry a woman who works and doesn't want kids.
Otherwise, it's time to work harder than you thought anyone could, and show that you're ready to put in real effort.
You fucked up the one time she asked for help, it's a bigger deal than you think.
_ I may seem harsh but it's too late to be talking about whether you wanted a kid or not.
I don't dislike people who don't want children(I don't want children.)
But I do hate people who don't want kids and have them anyway.
When I tell you that the child and mother are better off with you gone over being half-assed I really do mean it. Whether you decide to be better or leave? I really hope this is your wake-up call.
I think the biggest things to consider here are:
How invovled is your sister wanting and expecting you to be with the baby, and is her idea similiar to your own? Is she planning on shirking the responsibility off on you and your “help”? Does she want you to be more the role of care taker? More the role of aunt? What is the time line of these expectations? Does she expect you to be the same level of involved the first months, the first year, into toddlerhood? You, husband and sister need to sit down and talk about what this would look like.
What is the time line of her residing with you? Is this a temporary situation? What does temporary look like for her? Months, years? Is this a long term situation?
What does her contribution to the house hold look like? Is she intending to eventually find employment and contribute to rent? An extra 2 people costs money in utilities and groceries. How does she intend to contribute to these costs?
You said you are trying for a baby yourself. What does this mean for you personally? If you become pregnant, can you reasonably handle the pregnancy and subsequent new born plus your sister and baby niece? Would them being in the house delay your own plans to start a family? If so, how long are you willing to delay for? Does this time line align with your sisters time line of relying on you for housing and child care? You have a spare room. Is that the only other bedroom? Will you need this room when you start a family yourself?
What role is your sister hoping your husband plays in niece's life? Is he the typical uncle? A full time care giver? Is she expecting him to be as involved as a father would be? What role does your husband want to be in his niece's life? Does his expectations and your sisters expectations align? Living together can make the lines of parenting difficult. All three of you need to come to a conclusion on your expectations and what you will or won't do as aunt/uncle in the house hold. It can be very easy to just rely on the other adults in the house In to handle things for you. You'll all need to be prepared, and be aware of the problems that may arise as a result of differing expectations.
How is your sister getting from California to Florida? Can she afford it? What items is she planning on bringing with her? Will those items fit? Can she afford a storage unit if her items do not fit? Is she aware that you cannot fly immediately after giving birth? (Many airlines have restrictions varying from 4weeks to 2 months due to safety concerns).
Is your sister the type to over stay her welcome? Is she the type to take advantage? Have there been times in the past where she's intentionally disrespected boundaries? Is your sister a responsible person? Do you trust that your sister will abide by the agreed upon house rules? Do you trust your sister will be a contributing member of the house hold? If you have concerns about these or she has a history of being a mooch, then I strongly advise against even considering the move. It will be a hassle to have her removed once she establishes residency. So you need to be able to trust that she will be a good house mate.
Is this idea something your husband is agreeable to? It's his home too, and any concerns he may have regarding bringing another human into the house are valid. Big decisions like this need to be a 2 yes, 1 no situation. And you two need to remain a united front.
How will a new born, that is not yours, that cries and has needs affect your and your husband's lives? It's sunshine and rainbows when baby is sleeping and quiet. It's another matter entirely when it's 4:30am, baby has been screaming since midnight and no one can figure out why baby is so upset. You've done the bottle, the burp, the nappy change, you've sung every song you can think of but baby is over stimulated so screaming is the only solution. You will be tired. You will get cranky. There will be days where you really, really need to sleep but baby has other plans. In a shared house, a crying baby can be heard from any room. It's not baby's fault, that's just what babies do. It won't be YOUR baby, so the personal connection won't be quite the same. Can you and your husband handle that? Will it be too much? If this is something that will bother you, or you feel you may grow resentful of, then don't take the risk.
If your sister moves in, she is a valid resident of the home. Which means that to an extent she will have the right to be in the loop with certain decisions such as shared house rules, guests, repairs, and changes to the home that will directly affect her. Are you willing and able to extend that to her? Bringing another person into your home and life, let alone a newborn, is difficult and comes with a lot of bumps in the road and learning curves. If you are not 100% sure about the decision, then you need to say no and work together as family to find a more sustainable solution. Cohabitation works for some, and doesn't work for others. Talk to your husband. Think it over. And when you come to a definite answer, sit down with your sister and your husband to go over that answer.
Because she thinks he’s something he’s not. I don’t want him back. If I did I don’t think telling her would do me any good.
It seems readily apparent from this thread alone that you have quite a problem with apologizing, and particularly with acknowledging the possibility you could be wrong.
That's the vibe I get. Like she is looking through a museum to see all the cool exhibits. People can see that a mile away. OP how did you become enthralled in this new social sphere?
To be blunt (because it seems like you need it) this wasn't a date, he told you that it was a hook up. Please respect yourself more than seeing this person ever again by choice.
So now you acknowledge that it is possible to cancel and be unable to compromise without meaning that your partner is no longer priority, that’s exactly why your first comment of “tell your bf he’s hurt and you feel like you’re not priority!” is bad advice. Because it is obvious to anyone who isn’t jealous of their bf’s sister that it is a last minute situation that could not be compromised on, and that it does not reflect on the bf’s feelings about her or the relationship.
Im allowed to say your advice is bad. Relax, first time someone disagrees with you?
No one normal wants to date a teenager at almost 30. You realize that. Whether it’s after this guy destroys you first is up to you. Eventually you’ll be 27 wondering wtf was wrong with him
There’s a lot of dick outside.
How did you wrong him and what problem did you cause????? Let’s be real but he’s wronging you more then you are wronging him when he’s emotionally blackmailing you with suicide.
DO NOT GET BACK WITH HIM.
Thank you so much for this, it has got my husband to speak, albeit it was very uncomfortable. I stopped him in his tracks and almost word for word told him this.
He broke down into tears and dropped to his knees. It turns out, my husband had been fired from his workplace, he was so ashamed of it, he felt that he couldn’t tell me.
(Apparently, he called his father with the news first, and the father shouted at him and shamed him on the phone (he comes from a very strict conservative Asian family). After that he thought I was going to divorce him if he said anything and he was desperately trying to secure another job quickly.)
I told him that I would never have judged him for it, and I could have supported him. I also told him how hurtful it was to me, and so he apologised, and assured me he would make it up to me.
“I don't like your homemade gifts.”