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Keep your personal and professional life separate from each other, this post alone tells me you don't have the communication skills needed to get them mixed up together.
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might normalize things
Your “normal” with those friendships was dishonesty toward your wife and fucking someone who is not your wife. If you want that to be your “normal,” get a divorce so your wife doesn't have to put up with your utterly self-absorbed, self-important bullshit.
As for the other woman: she who cheats with you will cheat on you. You're harboring feelings for a woman who has no respect for relationships or other people. It's disgusting and frankly, you deserve each other.
These posts always make me think about my best friend who I met on-line (albeit when we were 13 – 35 now) who has now twice travelled from Canada to the US to stay and visit (and myself once to Canada) for gasp platonic friendship.
Iām so cynical and often point out how shallow and sex driven people are, but, friendship happens too, ya know.
First you block him completely in every way that's possible. You have to “quit” him. Get a therapist if you need to. Your mind thinks you love him, so you're going to miss him, even though there is literally nothing to miss. When you miss him, get up and do something else… clean the bathroom, go for a run, meet with friends, read a book, plant a garden, go shopping, take a train ride. Cry it out when you need to and don't make the mistake of only thinking about the good parts of that relationship. Him not loving you is not a failure on your part. It just was not meant to be.
Your world view leaves no room for couples to work through things together if one of them is going through a crisis. This is super naive. Getting help through something doesn't make someone selfish. Also she's here to work on it and get better. Agreed some cases it's just too toxic and that's for the couple to decide, but this person is genuinely working on it and your just like “la di da just breakup cause ur selfish.” So naive. How do you decide what is relationship ready and not I mean come on, let her SO at least have some agency to decide if she wants to be with her considering this behavior. She identified the issue, is seeking help, and wants to change for the better. She doesn't need to breakup to do this. And devils advocate you would say that it's selfish of her to work on herself while she is in a relationship….. Isn't everyone doing that constantly?? She just needs to put in more work.
No! Relationships are very important! Surrounding yourself with people that don't just “not care” about you but actively try and be mean to you… Your SO should be proud of you and keep his friends at least informed not to talk smack about yah. If Ben wants popularity and the easy girl then why do you want someone who'd settle when you know you're the best. That poor simple boy, much too dumb for anything more complicated and meaningful.