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He’s not ashamed, but you’re his secret even from his friends? He’s afraid of what people will think. He doesn’t want people to think poorly of him. That’s shame.
Ya I would love to have a direct conversation on the eggshells thing with her.
I strongly believe she feels like she's “on eggshells” because she doesn't know where my boundaries are. I've asked how to engage with her in a way which isn't off-putting. I like the “I feel upset over this thing, can we work on figuring out something” method.
I think her only experience with conflict resolution is a right/wrong approach. So any signs of conflict (how I feel or asking to talk) is instant eggshells/stress for her because she needs to defend herself or be “wrong” and give me what I want.
I don't think she understands that for the most part, I don't want to manage her life or control her. I want to talk with her so we can each understand each other's boundaries better and provide each other support. If she just “shuts me out” though then she will never know my boundaries.
Creating a cycle…
If someone is actively cheating on you repeatedly, you don’t owe them much in the way of breakup conversation, and frankly, if you feel unsafe or like he’s going to pressure you in person, don’t meet up – you are allowed to breakup via text. You don’t even have to say you know he’s still cheating or that you snooped through his phone. You can just say you’re breaking up with him and go about your day.
But whichever way you break up, you need to set very clear boundaries, and say you do not want to remain in contact and he needs to respect your boundaries. If he shows up unannounced after you breakup, you don’t need to feel bad, you need to reaffirm you asked him not to contact you, say he’s not respecting the clear boundaries you conveyed, and tell him he needs to leave or you’re calling the police. And if he keeps doing it, follow through and file a report for harassment.
Mental illness is not a blanket excuse for someone to behave badly. You have to realize you are not solely responsible for balancing out the bad things happening in his life, and you are not obligated to stay in a toxic situation just because someone has depression. Honestly, it sounds more like this guy is emotionally manipulative, rather than unstable, and is causing a scene because he knows the appearance of instability will keep you around.
Because a lot of people consider time as the most precious commodity (no amount of money in the world can make you get it back after all), and consider relationships to be investments. If you have invested years of your life into a relationship, and have nothing to show for it at the end — no kids, no ring, nobody to cuddle you at night, nobody to continue to care, nobody to make coffee for you in the morning, nobody to give you a hug when you’ve had a bad day — then what was the point? A few photos, a few laughs? That’s a bit like settling for a piddlesquat savings rate in your checking account when you could’ve been making bank by investing in Google or whatnot.
Your fiancée is a shit mother if she agreed to that. If it had been me you’d have been single the second you thought you could throw around ultimatums regarding my children. And fyi, if you don’t want “a kid around that isn’t yours,” don’t date somebody with children from a previous relationship. You don’t get to demand somebody not mother their child because you don’t want them to.
Did you see it looks like the “buddy” who started the drama was a girl, as “she” would never do something like this.
It’s not your fault. Thanks for listening. ?
He’s letting the mask fall. He’s letting you know exactly who he is. Do with it what you will.
He can list a hundred reasons but did you actually hear him? He isn't ready to be a dad and he doesn't want to be one yet. My guess is that your relationship will end if you follow through with the pregnancy. Do not terminate based on what he wants, only on what you want, your body your choice. But also really think about if you want to have a baby, or if you want to keep your boyfriend. Also realize that he may never feel ready for a child, this could be a moment where he found out that he only thought he wanted kids. It's a lot to think about, good luck!