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but it was a lie. You vented to her about being terrified of getting pregnant, how does that jibe with her saying you were planning to babytrap him?
Personally this entire thing is a mess. Communication is key. Why would you not have told him?
Let’s review a few facts:
You’ve only known N for 9 months, part of which you were casually dating.
You’ve never lived in the same city or spent significant time in the same place.
N is unsure whether he wants to take on a parent role for another person’s children at this point in his life.
N thinks that he wants biological children, which would require a surrogate in this relationship.
And now my opinion:
N actually sounds mature and responsible. He’s communicating clearly what he wants, but you’re not listening. It’s exceedingly mature of him to not want to take on a parent role and risk hurting young children.
Why do you want this magic commitment pledge so badly? Because it will protect you from getting hurt? It won’t. A true commitment comes organically. You can’t force it. People commit because they legitimately want to put their energy into a partnership, not because they feel forced against a wall.
My husband and I made a commitment to one another and planned to marry around the one-year mark. But our situation was totally different. We lived down the street from one another, so saw each other all the time. I was 33 and he was 41. We both already dated a lot and knew we were ready to “settle down.” Every relationship is different and can’t force some pre-determined deadline on it. It would be different if this someone you’ve known for years, had dated longer, etc, and he still refused any type of commitment. But this is someone you really don’t know well who sounds like he may want different things out of a relationship than you.
I'm a woman with a high sex drive and my ex did this. He withdrew completely, didn't call me, hang out with me, long stretches of no sex and my drive is very high. I ended it when he ghosted me valentines day
thank you, i will consider this.
You can do better than this.
This sounds like an absolute trainwreck.
Maybe have a few dates before having sex. It'll weed out the ones who just want sex. Or be upfront about wanting to look for something more serious.
People are allowed their own level of risk tolerance, of course, but I wasn't replying to OP with those statistics; my question (and it was just a question, originally) was in response to this:
It's very disingenuous to compare outliers to the systemic issues women face.
So annoying how whenever a widespread issue is broached someone has to chime in with mEn ArE vIcTiMs ToO.
Yes, at a rate that is orders of magnitude lower.
which is an objective claim about the rates of violent victimisation by strangers, not about OPs subjective experience or opinions. Lots of people believe that claim and repeat it, but whenever I dig into it to try and learn more the stats just don't work out.
If people have better info on the issue I'd like to know so I can be better informed.
If people are instead mistaken then they're doing a disservice to the important work of solving violence by spreading false information, nevermind inculcating unjustified fear and anxiety in themselves and those around them. We should care about preventing that kind of thing.
And it’s valid to feel that way, and it shows how smart you are for realizing that. Only you know for sure, but the fact that your asking is the right step to making yourself feel better about the situation
Breaking up with someone is never painless & easy, unless it’s entirely mutual & even then there’s still a loss of what was. Pain & aggravation is inevitable.
There is however really bad ways to break up with someone- like ghosting, cheating right in front of them, getting someone else to tell them, violence, cruelty etc.
So it’s time to get pragmatic, practical & try for being as brief and kind as possible. As you online together- when do the lease end, or is it your house etc? Are you or them going have to move or is you both leaving this place you live? Basically figure out how to on-line separately- or if you’ve both got remains there for say a number of months- then have a plan ready for separate lives( no bring back new sexual partners to the shared space & now seperating bills etc for instance). Once you’ve figured out the practical plan, then go speak to her on a time & date that’s not to inconvenient, & lay it out that” though you think highly of her, and want the best for her, your feelings have changed and now you’re sorry but this relationship isn’t working anymore. “( in your own words. Then tell her you the practical stuff – like you’re moving out date or whatever. Then absolutely don’t get into an argument or discussion about reasons, timelines of your love fading etc, just repeat “ So sorry, that this is hurting. I realise there’s no easy way to go about this, but this is unfortunately has to happen “. Then leave for say 3 hours to go visit friends or whatever . But essentially you’re leaving them to process & because it’s the start of actual break up.
Then action your practical plan of seperating. Don’t be provoked or into negotiations or big hurtful arguments- just be polite, practical & distant until you’re no longer living together. Once you’re not together- despite you being the instigator- yes there will be grief. Also I don’t recommend they trying to be friends who actually continue seeing each- this leads to confusion. Go no contact for a minimum 1 year. Best of luck.
Just break up with him. Relationships at your age are usually temporary anyway. Do something amazing for yourself.
Wow and you married this guy….so young. I think social media and phones will destroy us and relationships. You can easily flip through pics of women. Provides temptations and fantasies. You guys feel your sex life is open as in conversation? Sex is so powerful. You need to talk to him about it and he needs to feel comfortable enough to open up to you.
i don't understand why your family is badgering you about your girlfriend's family? And pestering her? they seem toxic enough to fit in! do you even have any joy in your biological family? judging by the way you write, it's not a very hot choice who to cut out of you life!
I think it depends on how a person views sex. For you it might be a bit of fun. But for a lot of people, including likely the OP sex and love, and commitment are tied together. So it’s a deal breaker