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Since she sounds like a person who will wait and won't take your feelings for granted then just continue going to therapy to process what has happened in past and with her go slow. When you feel you are ready tell her and just lean in. If it feels weird then you stop. Just be sure to express your feelings so she understand that it isn't her fault and that you just need slower pace.
3 things first, does she have a job? A life apart from you? Or is she still living with parents and just mooching off them?
You have a child not a girlfriend. She has some serious issues that need to be addressed. You need to put your foot down and say “if you really love me, you would address these things with a PROFESSIONAL or I will be choosing to leave” if she gets to be manipulative, so do you.
She needs to learn to grow up and realize these behaviors are NOT NORMAL and NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to fix.
I wouldn’t think of leaving an “existing” person who has been with you for a good chunk of your life to being into the world kids that don’t yet exist. I can’t convey my idea any better in English, but I hope you can get the general meaning nonetheless. Your wife is here in flesh and bones, the kids tou desire do not exist as of now. Don’t be bad to your wife for the sake of someone who has yet to be born
What do you think?
I think you need to find a better hobby than trolling this forum.
Listen to your parents. Drop that zero and find yourself a hero.
Honestly, OP, I'm not trying to be mean or insensitive. And I know you probably like him a lot, but if you could get in a time machine and travel forward to when you're 40 years old, I'll bet anything that the 40-year-old version of you would tell you not to waste your time on a guy that treats you like this.
Then she would tell you the secrets you need to know to become a billionaire, but that's beside the point 🙂