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r/whoosh
Sorry, I've explained it twice. If you want to pretend you don't understand that's on you.
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First, I am so sorry for your loss.
It was not a mistake. Two people that lost someone they loved (your Sister-in-Law lost two people. Divorce is a loss, even if it makes things better) got together to take care of each other. That's what it was.
Do not regret that you liked it. It's something you both needed. You did not betray your wife. She would not want you to live! a life of celibacy without her. She would want you to be happy, or at least not lonely. I don't see how it can blow up your girls' lives unless you intend to try to create a relationship with J. And even that could be a good thing for everyone.
This is just something that you both needed. Take it as a one time occurrence. Appreciate it for what it was, a signal that you can move on eventually. Maybe not right now and maybe not with J. But there is a future for you and your girls.
Good luck.
You can’t make assumptions or excuses on The his behalf. I want to make one more big point, but before I do, I do want to acknowledge what you said about masturbation. Anecdotally I’ve masturbated both before and after sex for various reasons. Like I said, as a general idea, it’s fine. It’s a problem when you’re in a situation where your sex life and happiness is in question. I digress bc for these purposes, we’re good there.
I’m The big issue comes back to my first sentence here. You give him grace due to childhood trauma and/or attachment issues. Why? I’m honestly not sure how the two are related here unless his trauma is specifically related to sex. But you’re only assuming that’s the problem. You don’t know. To think it’s a punishment is honestly incredibly concerning, because what are you being punished for?
Your “solutions” are obviously not solutions. The thing is, he might not even be thinking about it. He just might not be into sex in general. I think that’s a possibility. But that’s where it comes back to compatibility. You’re not wrong for wanting sex. But he’s also not wrong not to. That just makes you wrong for each other.
Therapy is just an option if no other communication is working. It’s someone not allowing the conversation to stray. Either way, if no solution is found, at what point do you give up?
Are you married?
Tell him thanks but no thanks. Let him know you don't need until Sunday and to have a nice life.
There’s a chance she doesn’t know how to communicate deeper unsatisfactorily in the relationship. Just throwing my two cents. If this is the case, it’s quite bad to be in a relationship with someone like this because it harbors resentment due to things not being communicated and argued about. And maybe it got so close to her limit that the new step-son situation pushed her over the edge.
I just want to say, if this is the case then you are not at fault. She is supposed to be able to have nude conversations about stuff she didn’t or isn’t liking at the moment instead of harboring hidden resentment and pretending everything is fine.
I had an ex who did this at least: in my presence everything was fine but from time to time she would explode with rage against me and it was always built up resentment about stuff she never talked to me with. In her last episode of this she used it as fuel to cheat on me and blew up our 4 year relationship. Everyone, friends and family, loved seeing us and our dynamic, so it came as a surprise to everyone. Needless to say she regretted it afterwards as she was making decisions based on emotional immaturity but by then was too late for me to love her again the same way.