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Hun, Jesus Christ, you know what you have to do here. You’re afraid he will be mad? I’m speechless.
Put the bottle down and just feel your emotions. Your anger, your fear, your grief, your loss. Just don't lose yourself in them. They will pass and you will dwell on it less and in time it will be a memory.
Start with a therapist and some mindful reflection if you can afford it. It will help to process everything, see your part in the breakdown or even if you had a part and how to become a better version of yourself. It's not a fast process, so give yourself plenty of time. Keeping in good health is key to keeping your mental health in check during this. You don't have to become a gym rat, but some gentle exercise like walking and eating good healthy food makes a difference. If you don't know how to cook, there are tons of Youtube cooking shows that have great simple recipes or that can give you some ideas. Foodwishes (simplicity) and SortedFood (ideas and some humour) are a couple of good ones.
Do not rush into another relationship. Get comfortable with yourself and your own company for a bit. Pick up some things and hobbies you put away or always wanted to do. Spoil yourself a bit.
I'm also stuck in a house I hate, but since I know I'll be here for a little while at least, I'm making it my own. My things that I had to keep in storage because he didn't like them, my tastes in decor, my cosy spots. I'm eradicating traces of him and making it my existence instead of 'ours, but mostly his'. It also gives me time to plan for what I really want and making sure I have the resources to attain it.
The worst of it will pass sooner rather than later, but you need to take the steps to make it better for you. Festering in booze makes it worse. While I can't give you a time line, for me personally, I think I was over the worst of the emotions within a few months, things would creep back in regularly, but that lessened quite a bit so that by the time a year had passed, I was in a good place and really dealing with all the shit I needed to and taking the steps to make my life great again. It's still a journey, but mostly because I'm working on repairing the damage I grew up with and the damage he did to me and constantly evolving myself to be the best version I can be. People notice the changes and remark on it a lot. I don't give a damn about the “you look great” comments, but so much more about the “you look so much happier” ones. I am happier and you will be too in time. Just take each day as it comes and really think about why you feel the way you do, it really helps you focus and process things.
You can be completely straight and have a foursome ?. Good luck have fun!
The only fault we have is exposing folks to ideas they are not comfortable with, be it due to religion or family or whatever else. And their ignorance is not our responsibility.
Np. Here’s an afterthought:
If he went from “should have stood up for yourself” to “shouldn’t have bought the stereotypical items,” those two responses have something in common. They’re both ways of saying you had some control in this situation. That there’s an easy solution.
That’s not true. Standing up for yourself has its own cost and risks. Skipping items you want to buy would suck, so there’s a cost there too. And staying quiet sucks in a different way. There’s no easy solution where you can control the racism you experience without paying some price.
He may not get that. He may want this to be simpler and easier than it is. I don’t mean on a conscious level that he’s necessarily aware of. But there may be a part of him that resists the randomness of racism, the constant threat of it, and the energy that goes into dealing with it.
That’s reasonable, the best prediction of future behaviour is past behaviour. No opportunity, no temptations for him. You are doing him a favour.
As someone who's worked those types of shifts, I get the exhaustion however we can't really help if there isn't more info. Such as: Is this a pattern? Have you talked about it prior? Does he often act like this? Are you often late? Ect.
There's so much missing that this is just a snippet of a bigger problem I feel. However if both of you can't come to a solution to a balance your relationship in with other life tasks, maybe a relationship isn't a good idea right now.
Fuck no I’d leave that’s what they call a “red flag”