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What you might want to think about is if you’re at the same stage in life and want the same time frame for moving forewards.
If you’re at the same stage in life, there are no red flags (be aware), and his personality is youthful, then why not give it a chance for a while and see if it works.
OP, your post breaks my heart. Let me tell you a story. I was a teenager who “struggled” with my weight. As an adult I realized that fluctuating within 10lbs is normal, but I still had to stay active to keep from gaining. But I was too obsessed with what I thought the mirror was telling me to realize I was actually quite skinny for my body type.
Then i had kids and complications and I ended up at 194, I'm 5'6″. I was miserable and it took about 4 years to actually get rid of the weight. Then over a span of a year and a half I dropped 74 lbs. How you might ask? Well, here's where it gets interesting.
I dropped my emotionally abusive, serial cheating, narc ex, and the pounds just started melting off. High emotional or mental stress has a negative affect on the body, and will often times be the reason your body won't let go of the weight. I got rid of my biggest source of stress. Yours appears to be your husband as well.
Let me ask you these questions. Were you always insecure about your weight? Before ever meeting your husband? Was he aware of your insecurity when you got together? Has he leveraged your weight against you whenever other relationship problems came up? Has he helped you with healthy eating plans, or offered to exercise with you in an attempt to help? Or does he just tell you it's a problem and leave you to deal with it on your own? How long has he been pulling the “lose weight or lose me” bit? And most importantly, do you find yourself obsessing over what he thinks or how he feels? Do you constantly worry that you won't be good enough, or that you're failing him somehow? Have you thought about how his words make you feel instead of worrying what he feels or thinks? Are your emotions and thoughts ever acknowledged in your relationship?
Your weight is not your worth. And when he says that he will leave you over a 20lb fluctuation, that's him saying “jump”. And when you scramble to please him so he won't leave you that's you asking “how high”.
You are so stressed about your fictional weight problem that you are completely focused on pleasing him. So…who is pleasing you?
My shallow, abusive ex, who “hated fat people” had enough compassion to NEVER bring my weight up to me even in our worst arguments. My advice is to keep journaling, but don't limit it to past trauma, focus on your relationship for the last decade. If you do and read it again, I think you'll find that you don't have a weight problem. You have a husband problem.
There are SO many things to consider outside of tax codes. Medical decisions. Next of kin/inheritance/legal ramifications you don’t even realize you should consider. Not to mention retirement and social security benefits in the event of a death. There are so so so many things people don’t even think of. My husband is an actual attorney and I still pointed out things he hadn’t thought of in this circumstance. And vice versa.
Sounds like the friend may be projecting some of her own issues/insecurities onto OP.
You both need to sit down together and talk seriously about what you both see happening. Is a long distance relationship possible for both of you? What are the long term goals if the relationship is able to keep up with the distance?