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Obviously now it's too late to “shoot your shot” but I do think you need to have a sit down with E, apologize to him about your lashout and explain why it happened. Make it clear that you need to distance yourself a bit because your feelings conflict between your friendship and his relationship with Marie (which isn't your intention) so that's why you would need to distance yourself. From that point on you would have to see how he reacts and take further steps from there. Do make it clear that your friendship is still number 1 and that you care for him and don't want to lose him, but that in order for that to happen you need some time to heal. Knowing that E knows how you are and how you think, I would expect him to understand your reaction now and I'm sure he wouldn't be mad or anything
So I think you just go very low contact with your mom.
Of course you need to adjust and try to get back to “normal” but it is not the same normal, it is a new normal.
As a stranger, let me say that you are doing great. You are taking your diagnosis seriously and getting all the medical help you can. You are applying for all the benefits you can for that, and it is amazing that you have people in your life who can help you financially and emotionally. And it is okay to need that help and to accept it! Often times, applications for yourself can feel nude and overwhelming, even though if a friend asked you to fill it out, you could do it easily. Lean on your people!
And your mom has made it clear she is not one of your people. She may be in denial, she may just lack empathy, that is for her to figure out. You focus on yourself.
Having seen a few friends deal with long term illnesses, you have to first accept that things will be different, and that isn't easy, but not accepting it and just being blind to it only makes it worse. So my optimism is to tell you that things will get better. You are doing all the right things, including relying on people who can and are willing to help you, and things will improve as long as you keep on the path you are on-accepting your limitations, accepting help, adjusting, and then once you have some of this stuff settled, you can think about the next set of adjustments and progress.
Sometimes you’re not gonna get the best answer when asked on the spot as to “why did you choose me?” Or “what made you fall for me”. My wife had said that before and I would give different answers every time because there are multiple reasons. She is beautiful, she stuck around, she didn’t play games, I don’t want to be single, she was obsessed with me, etc. I would just avoid fixating on what he said then and there because I imagine it’s a variety of reasons.
I have told me plenty of times he can have her, I do not like drama in my life.but he continuously tells me he wants me and not her.whole thing feels so childish
Thank you all for your responses, you all are right I am a fucked up human being and I should leave her alone because she is better off without me.