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You will never reach your destination if you continue to focus on the rear view mirror.
I get it. You have questions… But honestly, will anything change once you get those answers? How will those answers help you now with your current marriage? It's highly unlikely that those answers won't help you at all.
You're remarried. Not everybody does that after a divorce. You should focus on that and keep looking forward. Leave the skeletons of the past alone. Hopefully, this is your last marriage.
Take care
-C
“I think she wanted to one up my ex.”
Well that's certainly not the right reason to have sex for the first time.
Don’t get into relationships / marry people with severe mental Illnesses. Also you knew he was unstable with borderline personality disorder and was violent punching walls and ripping doors off the hinges. Why did you keep having kids with him? Divorce and save what life you have left and your kids.