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Hey, your post reminds me a lot of my own situation. I married a military guy, and we had a child together. He became more angry and aggressive over time. I divorced him when my daughter was 2 bc I didn't want her growing up in that environment.
It was hard. I had to find child care in like a day (he was home with her while I worked), when I told him it was over, he told me to figure it out & left. That attitude never changed. He did anything he could to be a thorn in my side and make me miserable.
So I did figure it out. I found child care, I divorced him, I kept working & getting better jobs. I took care of my daughter. He was never a consistent presence in her life, but he did see her. Always drana, the games of not planning visits in advance or canceling last minute, picking fights with me, not paying child support, etc. Used to make me furious. I realized if I wanted to keep my sanity, I had to accept that this is who he is, he's not going to change.
Over the years, I learned to expect nothing from him. I stopped arguing with him, there was no point anyway. I invited him to anything re our daughter. School events, birthdays, holidays. I always wanted to be able to tell my daughter that I tried my best to have peace with him, for her.
You can do this. You're stronger than you know, and you can always figure it out. Might not be perfect, and there are hot days, but knowing you saved your kid (and yourself) from living in fear and misery is worth it. It's worth fighting for.
His response: “You should feel bad.” And this is when things turned south. I was already apologizing for dropping the ball, offered solutions (which he declined),
He watched you order food with cheese on it, and he decided not to say anything in the moment. He also decided not to call the waiter back to change the order. So why do you feel bad, how did you drop the ball on this?
Why are you letting him abuse your child?
At least it's easier to be financially stable now.
Sounds lame, but at least this wasn't '20 years of marriage' down the line.
Did she ever give you a reason, or was it just like 'eh, im out'?
The best 'revenge' is to live! a fulfilling and enjoyable life.
The example you’ve given, in my opinion, is not a good example of stonewalling. Honestly, it was kind of a dumb question. Why was she spraying so much? Idk, because she wanted to? It honestly sounds like a rhetorical question, what do you want her to say? This may sound harsh but honestly it’s a little ridiculous, IMO.
I’m sorry that you have trauma around being ignored by your mother, but if the other examples are like this, then it’s your problem to seek therapy for.
Some questions just aren’t worth answering, and requiring answers to questions like that is like holding someone verbally hostage. It sounds absolutely exhausting to be your partner.
From her perspective, you asked a weird rhetorical question there’s only one answer for. So she ignored it (I would too, tbh), and you gave her the cold shoulder and punished her for the rest of the evening, reducing her to tears.
Work on yourself, OP.
So you're one of those “I can change them” type of people….
Your age in Covid years = Your age -2 (I always use my age in Covid years because it's a better reflection of my social development!)
Yes, and he doesn't have to remain married to her. It's as easy as that.
Obviously this is an incredibly difficult experience to go through man. My heart goes out to you.
However, you’ve got some good karma behind you to find out that the woman you were a breath away from committing to is a lying cheater. You found out before making it official, and one day (not anytime soon obviously), you’re going to look back and think of how lucky you were to find out when you did.
Get your financials in order and never talk to her again. She’s a scumbag and your life will be better with her out of it.
That’s what I’m thinking