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Thank you. You have a good point there. Part of the reason I went to therapy this year was because I was starting to feel like a pushover in the relationship. I genuinely felt like I improved in that regard but this makes me feel like a pushover again. I appreciate your bluntness and will be more assertive in this situation.
Here is a suggestion to your actual question from someone who worked in front line therapeutics for a long time: An intervention.
Write down every incident you can remember. Have the people who join in this do the same. I would suggest getting a paternity test (I know how bitter that must feel to hear, but just like with an addict: you want to present an impossible to refute case in an intervention), and then set up a time and try to get the people that he trusts most. Can his parents join? His siblings? Even if by video chat. Family is always best for something like this, but his friends are good too if they are willing. I'm sure that most all of them will be open to helping with something like this especially if you disclose the list you made. Hire a therapist to be there if you can, but at least set up a therapist to meet with him ASAP (as in hours or a day later, not weeks).
–Do not invite the kids or let them know it's happening.– That's really critical because you are having people he trusts there and you are not trying to shame him. You are trying to show him a mirror. That conversation and chance for them to disclose will happen in this process with a therapist, and it comes later.
If he is able to realize what's happening and make a change, you might find he becomes not only wildly sensitive to this issue and cares deeply about it never happening again, but he will be able to help others too and reflect on parenting more on his own. ….As often happens with recovering addicts helping other addicts.
There is hope.
Do not let the people responding tell you to just give up with no attempts at all. A therapist would never say “throw all the addicts in the bin, and the rape victims with ptsd who are reactive, and the soldiers with ptsd, because they said something mean.” Do not let this crowd sourced advice convince you that abandonment with not even one single attempt made to understand is the “right” opinion for how to treat someone you love. He will always be their father: you leaving even with full custody and a restraining order won't change that. Good for you for at least trying to fix this before destroying your family and traumatizing your kids even more. I wish you the best of luck.
yeah, i’m very open and he takes some time to be open. at first i was like “it’s a drink, why can’t i know lol?” like just asking plainly. i think he took it as me being pushy. there have been times before where i’ve tried to push things out of him but i’ve stopped that the best i could. i learn from my behavior even though it takes a few times.
i think he saw me being curious and took it as me needing to know everything. but it was just alcohol. that’s the only reason why i was like “what? seriously? but… why…”
Oh, well, I'm seeking better therapy
READ HER THIS POST.
I’m so sorry that OP has decided to break up with her. As you said, it’s really about the self-loathing and the wondering “what was wrong with me?” “Am I not marriage material??” “I am I not worth loving?” …etc…
This is not about her being in love with her ex. This is about her feeling defective, unlovable, a bad person… a self-loathing spiral.
I hope OP has some empathy here.. maybe watches the “Joe is getting married” scene..
I haven’t actually asked SIL to stop but my brother has and others have consistently tried to change the subject when it happens but once she has a few drinks in her she kind of dominates the conversations and me, my SO, and my family are just too passive to to force it to stop… that’s why my SO and I came up with “I don’t want to talk about my ex” as a response… but it feels different when it comes to my friends bc it would be me specifically asking him to do that as opposed to us having a conversation about it and deciding together to do that like we did with my family… Thanks for your response 🙂
100%!! OPs wife hasn't complained so i guess she's one of the women who enjoys excessive superficial compliments. I'd rather someone see and appreciate the human, than not the body the human is occupying.