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Birth Date: 2003-07-07
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How could I ask something like that…
Playing games is fine. Hanging out, even online, one on one reaches weird territory, fast.
The fact that this man wants to meet irl is the reddest of flags.
You never know. A good friend of mine swore up and down his fwb's baby was his. She swore it was too. Seemed like there was no way it couldn't be. After the kid was born they did a paternity test. Not his.
Don't worry at all. She was obviously very appreciative and you were dazzled by her beauty. It's all good.
How was he feeling at this point?
He’s never going to want it. He told you he doesn’t want it. This is obviously not going to work out.
You’re whole lifestyle changed the moment they moved in. It’s a new dynamic with just your girlfriend but then add in an underage girl? Of course things are going to change. Mom doesn’t feel comfortable with it. It doesn’t matter if daughter is, parent gets the final say with you. Putting on a pair of sweatpants isn’t the end of the world.
Her feelings is what matters if you care about her, not what you find harmful or not.
How do you know if he's being honest? It's called trust and it's something that has to be built between two people with equal active work.
Nothing wrong with a FWB but if you don't TRUST him to be honest with you, and y'all are doing childish stuff like giving each other the silent treatment and being “mean” to one another, you're missing the “F” part in “FWB”. At which point its just a hookup and you aren't entitled to things like trust or communication.
If that doesn't work for you, then maybe this relationship isnt the right choice for you.
You grow the fuck up You stop FORCING people to tell you shit you dont wanna hear
You're right, he probably will try to guilt you. After all, he has flashed a bunch of obvious red flags already and the absurdity of introducing them so horrifically early was already a big enough concern.
But… so what? They may momentarily be sad but in the same way 2 months was too soon to meet them you can easily say 2 months isn't enough time for them to really form that meaningful a bond with you. Kids like nice people, you're nice, that's all that's really happening.
You're 20. Way too young for him but old enough to be looking after yourself. If such simple manipulation is all it takes to keep you around then honestly you will be absolutely mangled by him moving forwards.
Finding out will derail her life as well, but you only care about what your ass will lose. If you respected her and cared about her feelings, tou wouldn’t have cheated. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one watches. You do no have any integrity and you are weak, finding bullshit wannabe excuses for cheating.
At least stop cheating on her and defending yourself.
So gross
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My wife and I have been married now 4 years and together for 7. All said and done except for obvious title I was happy. I thought she was too. We just moved into our new house together and were planning to have our first child later this year.
To get down to it a week ago was her birthday and I noticed a guy she had been friends with was messaging her on instagram and I assumed it was just sort of happy birthday etc- I casually asked her and she seemed to be like startled I would be asking and then got defensive. It was weird but I actually didn’t think anything of it. For as long as we have dated I had never sense not to trust her. She’s open with phones and she’s never given me any reason not to. I had an ex before her who cheated on me so I felt like I never worried with her she never gave off the same vibes as my ex.
She is acting strange and distant the rest of the night and then it gets to the point of like ok there is something going on here. For me I’m thinking I definitely did something to piss her off and I’m like what do I need to apologize for. I keep asking her what’s wrong and she finally just starts sobbing uncontrollably. Now my heart is sinking and I’m thinking something is very wrong. She finally after like 45 minutes of just crying admits she did something really bad. She says she had an affair 3 years ago with the guy she was messaging and basically her insides were eating with guilt. She’s always felt guilty but since I questioned her directly and she lied it became unbearable. But she claimed this had been 3 years of guilt almost every day.
Long story short. We got married and 6 months later she had an opportunity to live! and work in Costa Rica for 3 months and learn Spanish. I had just started my job and moving to Costa Rica wasn’t something I wanted or could do. It was a goal of her for years (I had known about it) and I didn’t want to stand in her way so I encouraged her to go and we would just date long distance for that period. She went down and it was very hot to not be with her but I thought it wasn’t that out of the ordinary. We talked often and I even flew down twice to visit her. Nothing seemed suspicious. She came back – she didn’t show signs of anything and all in all it seemed like she had a great experience.
This is what I knew of it until she told me a different story. I wanted to hear the full details to at least know what she did. It was surreal and devastating to know she cheated but I needed to know exactly what it was. I actually kind of regret asking for this after hearing it. But at the time it was killing me not to know the actual truth. When I asked her I thought it wouldn’t be possible to just know “she cheated” and it was a mistake. I would always wonder how far she went and if it was like a kiss or worse.
It was worse. She seemed to be honest about it because I don’t think if she was sugarcoating it she would have said this. She met a guy in her class early on the trip. They started getting lunches dinners together. They got drunk and it turned sexual. It didn’t end there. They kept having sex the rest of the trip. They even took some trips together to see beaches and other tourist sites. For all intents and purposes they were dating. He wanted more and she told him during it was a mistake (she was playing both of us I guess) and it would end when she went back. To her it was a fantasy that got out of control. She admitted it made her feel good at the time. She liked being with him. She liked him. She liked the sex and adventure. She compartmentalized her being there as a different world and even tho she knew it was terrible she kept doing it. She didn’t want to be with him she wanted to stay with me but she never made a serious effort to end the affair while she was there. She cut him off almost completely at the end of the trip. She showed me her phone and messages and they seem to support that story and nothing is deleted.
I am stunned. It sounds almost psychopathic. How could she live two lives like that. It’s angering also as I trusted her on this trip and I’m sitting at home working as she’s on the beach with some guy. She didn’t even make it 6 months of marriage. I’m venting but it’s unbelievable that she did this. We have been not stop arguing and just rounds of craziness the entire past week.
She wants to do everything she can to fix it and it seems genuine but at the same time it’s nude to even recognize her. I haven’t been able to work in a week as every 15 minutes images of them together flash through my head and I feel sick.
I feel like I’m having Stockholm syndrome tho because she is still with me and we online together. When she explains it and cries and apologizes I want to believe her and I actually see her side. Then when I’m away from her I get angry again. It’s like a vicious cycle. I feel like I’m walking around in a daze. She has got us a marriage counselor and wants to start going to meetings.
I do think she really does regret it but at the same time I feel like I’ve been totally played a fool. I don’t see how she respects me or cares about me if she did that. It being 3 years ago also makes it naked since it feels like the past 3 years are a lie. It also makes it hard because we both have a lot of admittedly sunk costs. We built a house together in a new place that basically took 2 years she financed it all but I put all the work in.
I feel like I made the mistake of not leaving immediately after hearing the news and thinking about this independently. I realized over the past week how dependent I am on her. I feel embarrassed to tell any friend or family what happened. Maybe out of fear I will stay with her and they will always resent her and just the humiliation of what happened.
Part of me thinks I’m just shocked and upset and believe her that it was a mistake that’s in the past and 2 years now gone by she has been my best friend. Other parts of me can’t even look at her the same way and don’t know how I can trust her. I want to see a positive way out of this but I feel like how can we even recover from such a total disregard and disrespect for me. I can’t help but feel like she doesn’t really respect me and that’s why she did it. Wrote this post because I’m trying to sort it all out and feeling like I’m biased or trying to look for hope and maybe I need to be told there is none.
You're in an abusive relationship with a much older woman. You need to end this.
You can still save this marriage. Couples therapy is something you should definitely try if you still love her. You will need to have a very serious conversation with her about how this is a dealbreaker for you. I've been on your wife's side. I'm sure my husband could say he's been on yours. My hormones were so messed up from PCOS, and that was a big contributor to the issue. I also had to work to get myself in the mood. Sometimes sex doesn't just spontaneously happen. Non-sexual physical touch is clearly important to her. She might need that to get in the mood, too. You could be doing something she doesn't like anymore in bed, either. It's worth discussing with a therapist. Obviously, I don't know either of you, but if there's something there worth salvaging, don't you want to at least say you tried your best? Sometimes, people are just sexually incapable, yes. Sometimes, there's more to the story.