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Strangely enough I partially agree with your wife but rather with her principle, not necessarily her words. I'm not sure why you would pursue someone like her especially when you claim to have low self esteem. Was she just a coping mechanism for your low self esteem? Because obviously all you had to do was lie and things would be great. If she had an issue, just lie some more and she'd come around. To me, that's pretty gross on your part.
Yeah she's bat shit crazy and insanely insecure but that's just who she is and always has been. I think you both need individual therapy first because there's way too much unwritten stuff that needs to get unpacked. Your marriage has literally been built on lies.
Did you guys set any ground rules for this break? This is why I disagree on breaks because things like this are bound to happen.
If there wasn't any rules set in place, then it was all green light to do whatever she wanted but kinda shitty if she was into this guy during the relationship. I say it was good to break up. Stay broken up. Stop wasting time on relationships that are on and off. You'll regret the time wasted on those types of relationships in the future. You're young still so focus on yourself and find someone who brings something good to your life. If you can, block her and move on.
Go to CA. Go to your support system. Your BF is not trustworthy at all. So glad you talked to your Dad about this.