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People can be horrible, they lie for their own sick twisted reasons. Either her or your bf is scum. With how you described his character I'd stick to innocent until proven guilty, he needs a lawyer and you need to convince him to get one. It's a truly horrible situation you're going through, I'd try to support him as much as you can stand, because if she is lying having the person you love not believe you as well can be truly damaging, but if you would rather just get away from it all I could understand.
It sounds like you may have vaginismus, which was what I went through trying to lose my virginity as well. It took me a long time to get over it, but I finally am (mostly). There is treatment available for that. Or you could have another medical issue. Either way, see a gyno and hopefully they can figure it out.
For me, doctors just treated me like I was crazy and never helped me. I finally just decided to have sex despite the pain because I had made my partner wait 2 years and didn't want to lose him. Over the years, I have learned how to relax my muscles through a combination of getting more comfortable with my own body, yoga, antidepressants/anti anxiety medication, and breathing exercises. Also of course, the more foreplay, the better. I'm talking 30 mins or more, and lube.
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He wasn't protective, he was possessive. Also my lord, I'm so glad you got away from a person like that
This is the special level of fucked up where you surely don't even want to know what's going on in this mess because it would just be gibberish anyway.
That's been my point though this entire time in that I can't logically understand how there's this much confusion after ten years together.
He's also making an illogical argument given the context. If the story was that he put his hands down there, you said “stop it,” but then put his hands on your breasts, then sure, I think we could all logically see some confusion potentially. But the story is he put his hands there, you told him to stop, and then wanted to continue cuddling; an inherently innocent activity on its own.
So he's upset about the lack of communication; fair enough. But could he have not just voiced his feelings in the moment? “Hey, I'm confused about what's going on. You stopped me from touching you, but you're still being cuddly with me. It seems unclear what you want.” At that point you could clarify. He instead chose to leave and get upset over what's ultimately a non-issue.
Look, your first point is great, but how am I “turning down” valuable men? They are not even coming my way.
Do you think rich people got there without help? This is how they got there. If not land, it's job offers from friends, connections, loan-free university, etc. I don't think it's unreasonable to have it in your GFS name. Frankly it's a bit weird they're not doing that. But you definitely should swallow your pride.
Ps you have a kid and he has a mistress I think they're perfect for each other sounds like she's batshit crazy too kick this bum to the curb too